I am beyond excited that my son is here visiting! Unfortunately, he met a different mom than he last knew. Though we talk on the phone everyday, I think seeing me and the changes cancer has caused is different. I worried about him seeing me this way. I worried that it would be boring for him here since I’m not very active. I realized I needed to let that go...he only cares to spend time with me.
We fly back to Phoenix together and that is going to be a little different as well. First, I have armed myself with Clorox wipes so I can wipe everything around me down. I cannot chance getting sick. Second, I have to wear a compression sleeve when I fly from my first bout with breast cancer and lymphedema risk. Third, just to get to the plane will require me in a wheelchair and that makes me the most sad. I simply can’t truck through the airport and stand in a security line as I once did. I may again someday, but not now.
My back has been bothering me and I’ve been getting sick the last few days. My back was so bad in fact, I could hardly walk. I woke up in tears yesterday morning because my son was coming and I wanted so badly to have a “good” day. My back did loosen up but I still got sick again last night and it wasn’t really a great day as far as my cancer goes, but it is absolutely incredible to have my son here with me.
This disease has forced me to let go of so much. Some are good things. The other day I had a wonderful visit with a dear friend and had to have her go through my garage, past a sink full of dirty dishes, and up the stairs to visit with me in my messy room. I would never have allowed that before! I realized more than ever, I just need to let that shit go...
It’s a crazy mix of no longer being able to function as I did before but also an acceptance of letting things go that no longer serve me. I have always been fiercely independent but I can’t be anymore. I am trying to focus on what I’m gaining rather than what I’m losing as a result of this ridiculous disease.
